


The (Mis)Adventures of Doggycard

by Sapphirewyren



Category: Hellsing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:47:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24827809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphirewyren/pseuds/Sapphirewyren
Summary: From a disastrous dog show to digging holes on the Hellsing Manor to pestering Walter, join Doggycard on his misadventures.
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

**The (Mis)Adventures of Doggycard**

**Sapphirewyren**

Chapter 1: The Dog Park Conundrum 

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Author’s Note: Here is another series, aren’t you happy? You’re welcome. Now enjoy.**

Doggycard padded into his master’s office and dropped a leash onto the large desk. “Master I want to go on a walk.”

“Go ask Walter.”

“I want you to walk me.”

“I’m busy.”

The large black dog’s head drooped. Damn that paperwork! Doggycard had to find a way to get rid of it. So he jumped up on the desk and plopped down on the papers.

“Alucard! What the hell are you doing?”

“Since you are not busy now, you can take me to the park.”

“No.”

“Please?”

“Fine, I’ll take you to the park, but no eating the other dogs.”

“I’ll on my best behavior.”

Integra had high doubts about that. When they reached the park, there were already several dogs there. Integra took the leash off Doggycard’s collar. “Remember what I said, _play nice.”_

“Yes, Master.”

Integra watched Doggycard romp with a couple other dogs for a couple of minutes before she felt it was safe to take her eyes off him and read the book she had bought with her. It seemed like everything would be fine until she felt a pair of eyes on her. Integra glanced up and sighed, the person staring at her was a blond woman who wearing a light blue tube top, a white vest made of some animal fur, a blue and white plaid mini skirt, and blue pumps. Her expensive jewelry matched her ensemble. In her arms, the woman held an expensive designer bag and a Papillion dog. “Excuse me, is this your dog?” the woman asked in a nasal voice. Integra looked at the dog that the woman was motioning to. Doggycard was muzzle deep up her skirt. Integra rolled her eyes, “That’s how dogs get to know other dogs.”

“Are you saying I’m a dog?”

“I’m saying I think it’s wise if you invest in a pair of pants.”

“Control your mutt or I’ll call animal control on you!”

Doggycard poked her butt with his nose, which made the woman yelp and nearly drop her dog. Integra went back to reading her book, this was the exact reason why she stopped wearing skirts a long time ago. “Alucard get your nose out of her ass, you don’t know what’s been in there.”

“Excuse me! I am a classy woman!”

Integra snorted, “Classy is not a synonym of a strumpet.” The woman huffed, “I will call the Constable for this rude behavior!” and she stormed off. Integra chuckled, the joke was on her, the Constable was afraid of the young Hellsing director because Doggycard ate his dog. Finally, she was able to get back to her book, just then a high pitched voice of a little girl said; “Mummy, what are those two doggies doing?” Integra glace over the top of her book, it was just two dogs mating, completely natural…..wait…that’s Alu……Integra dropped her book, sprinted over to the two dogs and football tackled Alucard. “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!!!?????”

She dragged the large black dog by his collar. “But master, she made advances towards me. She said she wanted me.”

“I DON’T GIVE TWO SHITS WHAT SHE WANTED! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO KEEP YOUR DICK TO YOURSELF!!???”

Integra dragged Doggycard back home, while the people in the park just stared at the spectacle. That was the last time she was taking him to the park. She didn’t even want to think what happened with female dogs, whenever Walter took him.

“Damn it, I left the book at the bloody park.”

Chapter End


	2. The Treat Problem

**The (Mis)Adventures of Doggycard**

**A Hellsing FanFic**

**Sapphirewyren**

** Chapter 2: The Treat Problem **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Author’s Note: Here we are again with another misadventure of Doggycard.**

It was a quiet day in the Hellsing Manor and because of that Integra figured that she could get some paperwork done. But she was proven wrong when Doggycard bounded into the office and scrambled under her desk.

“Alucard! What are you doing?”

“Don’t tell Walter, I’m here.”

“Alucard, what did you do?”

“Why do you assume that I did something?”

Integra had a feeling that whatever Alucard did, had to be bad, if he was hiding under her desk. Just then the butler threw the office door open. This surprised Integra because the butler never really did that, but upon seeing the butler she knew why he was pissed. Walter was covered from head to foot in all sorts of refuse; dirt, sand, leaves, twigs, grass, mud, water, pieces of paper, and gravel.

“Walter, what did you do to yourself?”

“WHAT DID I DO TO MYSELF!!!????”

“I’m right here, no need to yell. That’s my thing, in you it’s just unbecoming.”

“IT WAS THAT DAMN DOG OF YOURS!!!!”

“You’re still yelling, so I’m going to ignore you until you use an indoor tone.”

Walter had steam coming out of his ears, but he took a deep breath and said through clenched teeth; “Sir, that dog of yours is most unruly. I refuse to walk that beast anymore.”

“What did he do now?”

“That THING decided to chase a cat through every disgusting place in London! He does not listen to commands. From now on, I suggest you walk him yourself or you hire some poor sod to do so!” And with that Walter stormed out. When the butler was gone, Doggycard crawled out from under the desk. He sat in front of his master and looked up at her with his red eyes. However Integra glared back at him….for only a few seconds before bursting out in laughter. Walter had looked so ridiculous and messy. “Alucard, what am I going to do with you?”

“Take me for a walk?”

“So you can do to me, what you did to Walter? I’m not stupid, you silly dog.”

“I would never do that to you, master. Walter has such a feeble grip.”

Integra laughed again, while ruffling Alucard’s fur; “Fine, let’s go on that walk.”

Later that night as Integra finally crawled into bed, the large black dog, plopped on her bed looking blue.

“What’s the matter, Alucard?”

“Walter said I couldn’t an extra treat tonight.”

“I’ll give you an extra treat tomorrow then. Good night Alucard.”

“Good night, my master.”

A few minutes after Integra closed her eyes, they opened again when Walter’s bellow could be heard: “AAAAALLLLUUUUCCAAARRRRRDDDD!!!”

“What did you do now, Alucard?”

“Well since Walter wouldn’t give me a treat, I left one for him, in his bed.”

Integra chuckled as she went back to sleep, she’ll deal with that tomorrow.

Chapter End


	3. The Dog Show Dilemma

**The (Mis)Adventures of Doggycard**

**Sapphirewyren**

** Chapter 3: The Show Dilemma **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

Doggycard loped into Integra’s office and placed a newspaper page on her desk over the paperwork she was doing. On the page was a picture of a large golden cup trophy. “Master I want that.” Integra glanced at the picture; “You have to win that Alucard. It’s the Best in Show prize.” Doggycard wagged his tail; “Will you enter me into the dog show, master? Please?” Integra decided that it would be nice for Alucard to have dog show experience, but he had a knack for getting into trouble. Any fiasco especially one at a public event like a dog show would be detrimental to the Hellsing Organization and the Round Table members would never shut up about it. But Doggycard looked so eager. “I will register you in this dog show, if you promise to be on your best behavior.”

“I promise, master.”

Integra filled out the registration form and gave it to Walter to mail. A couple days later, a letter came in the mail confirming the registration and Doggycard was very happy with his entry number; 666. Integra was happy because Doggycard was happy. The only person that was not happy was Walter, when he took a closer look at the registration, this is what he saw: Dog’s name: Alucard. Owner: Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing. Handler: Walter C. Dornez.

“Sir, I never volunteered to be Alucard’s handler.”

“That’s strange, I specifically thought you begged me to be Alucard’s handler because you didn’t want to be the oldest person on the unemployment line.”

Walter scowled; “You’re cruel, Sir.” Integra smirked; “I know, I know. I suggest you start practicing with Alucard.” Walter left the office grumbling to himself.

Soon the day of the dog show arrived. It was to take place at St. James’s Park which was located near Buckingham Palace and Westminster. When Doggycard and company arrived, it was crowded with all types of dogs. Doggycard was ecstatic, he would beat these other dogs and win that big golden trophy. While Walter and Doggycard went to find their grooming station, Integra went to find a seat in the audience. Integra was not interested in staying with all those dogs because of all the dog hair clinging to her suit and a Great Dane that took an interest in her that she was not very comfortable with. Meanwhile, Walter was having a talk with Alucard. “If you want to win that trophy, you must be obedient and do everything I tell you” said Walter. Doggycard looked indignant; “I only obey my master.”

“Stop being so obtuse, Alucard!”

Just then an announcement came over the speakers; “The show will begin in 10 minutes, please finish up the lost touches on your dogs, so that they are ready for the presentation of dogs.”

The Presentation of dogs went underway without a hitch. People would cheer as each dog was announced and paraded around the ring. When Doggycard was presented, while there were polite cheers and applause, there were also murmurs as to what breed of dog he was. It seemed to be agreed that he was a new exotic breed. In the audience, a woman sitting next to Integra said; “What an ugly dog. I pity the owner of that brute.”

“Your pity is not necessary; therefore, you can take your pity and lodge it somewhere unsavory.”

The woman gave the knight a started look, she had not expected to be sitting next to the owner of “that brute” nor had she expected the owner to be so rude. She looked Integra up and down and said; “There is no need to be so rude, young lady.” Integra sighed, now she really wanted to punch the lady, but she decided against it, it would be rather hypocritical to tell Doggycard to be on his best behavior while she made a scene.

After the Presentation came the first part of the show, the agility trials. In this part, each dog and owner duo would go through an obstacle course. The faster and better the dog went, the more points they would get. If they made mistakes, points would be deducted from the total score. It was not surprising that Doggycard did the best in this part, thanks to his human intelligence and his vampiric abilities. A glossy white Standard Poodle came in second. That poodle belonged to the lady who was sitting next to Integra and she was not happy about coming in second. The second part of the show; the obedience trials did not go so well for Doggycard. When told to sit, Doggycard decided that sniffing the tiny Dachshund next to him was more interesting. When told to ‘come’, Doggycard rolled over and when the long down command was given; Doggycard decided that staying still was too boring. It went without going that Doggycard did not win that part of the show or the as a whole at all. The white poodle ended up winning Best in Show. Due to his appalling showing in the Obedience trials, Doggycard didn’t even place and this left him depressed. Walter did not feel sorry; “He didn’t want to listen, so he deserved to lose.” Integra didn’t try to talk Doggycard out of his depressive slump, until one day she placed a box in front of him, opened it and pulled out a tall gold trophy cup and the plague it said “Best in Show: Alucard”. Doggycard jumped up, eyes bright, wide doggy grin, tail wagging and he ran around the office barking happily. When he finally calmed down he said; “Thank you, master”. Wrapping her arms around his silky furry neck, Integra said softly; “I don’t care what anyone says, you’ll always be Best in Show to me.”

Chapter End

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed! I promise the next chapter will be much funnier. It’s bath time!**


	4. Bath Time Dilemma

**The (Mis)Adventures of Doggycard**

**Sapphirewyren**

** Chapter 4: Bath Time Dilemma  **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Author’s Notes: Heeeeerrrreeeeessss Doggycard!**

Integra gave an inward groan, why were these bloody meetings so damn boring? Right now, Sir Islands was saying something, but the commander had no idea what because she was not paying attention. “Bloody hell, I wish something interesting would happen” mumbled Integra. “What? What was that Sir Integra?” asked Sir Islands. Before Integra could make up an answer, the door burst open and in ran a soaking wet Doggycard. Walter ran in after him, trying to catch him, but the hell hound was too slippery.

“What is the meaning of this?!” demanded Islands.

“I’m sorry, sir, I was giving him a bath when he got away from me” said Walter.

“Get him out of here!” bellowed another knight.

Doggycard jumped on the table and shook, by the time he was done, everyone at the table looked like they walked through a rainstorm, well everyone surprisingly except Integra. The commander had given up trying to stifle her laughter and the old man looked like a bunch of angry wet cats. “We will resume this meeting at a later time, Sir Integra” huffed Islands and the knights left. Doggycard sat on his haunches, grinning a huge doggy grin and wagging his tail, Walter left to change his clothes and Integra just laughed; “Good boy, Alucard.”

Chapter End


	5. The Digging Catastrophe

**The Digging Catastrophe**

**A Hellsing Fanfic**

**Sapphirewyren**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Author Notes: You asked for another chapter, so here is another Doggycard adventure.**

The sun shining brightly over the city of London was a blessed respite from the torrential downpour the previous day. Even though, Integra felt that she must have a personal rain cloud over her head because of the amount of paperwork was a sure downer. Walter walked into the office and said through gritted teeth; “Sir, you should see this.” That didn’t sound good, but Integra followed him outside. The sight that greeted her, stunned the knight. Everywhere Integra looked was a huge hole, the grounds looked like a large whack-a-mole board. “This is what your dog has been doing” stated Walter.

“AAAALLLLUUUUCCCCAAAARRRRRDDDD!!!!”

The head of Doggycard popped up from one of the holes, in the hellhound’s mouth was an enormous bone.

“Yes Master?”

“What the bloody hell are you doing!?”

“I’m trying to dig the perfect hole for my bone, Master.”

“Well find a hole and bury it already!” Turning to Walter, Integra commanded, “Have the soldiers fill in the rest of the holes as a training exercise.”

“But Sir…”

“And if they have a problem with it, they can find another job.”

Walter sighed, the soldiers are NOT going to be happy about this, but he had to admit he was glad Integra didn’t ask him to fill in the holes. Later on Walter saw a bunch of muddy pawprints all over the mansion and he was livid. Where did that damned dog get to now? The butler stormed to his boss’ office and when he reached, he saw muddy paw prints in there as well. “Sir! Do you not see the mess that over-sized mongrel is making all over this house?” Doggycard just sat there with ridiculous grin on his face, wagging his tail. “At least I found the perfect place to bury my bone.”

“That is not the point! The manor is a mess! Sir, I would advise you learn to control that dog!”

The commander glanced up at the butler and took in all the dirty prints on the office floor, giving a long whistle she said; “You have a lot of work to do, Walter, you’d better get started, I expect my tea on time.” Walter looked aghast, how was he supposed to clean all this? He glared at Doggycard and said, “The soldiers could use another training exercise.” As he left hear Integra chuckle; “I knew he’d catch on eventually.” Doggycard barked his agreement.

**Chapter End**


	6. The Baby Complication

**The Baby Complication**

**A Hellsing Fanfic**

**Sapphirewyren**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

Somehow Doggycard had convinced Integra to take him to the dog park. She did so and threatened that if he tried to mate with any females, she would have him neutered, without any anesthesia, with surgical instruments made of silver. After playing with some of the dogs for a while, Doggycard decided to take a nap at his master’s feet. After minute into his nap, he felt a small hand grab his nose and a voice say, “Doggy!” Doggycard opened an eye and saw a toddler. She was all chubby cheeks and giggles. The little tot squeezed Doggycard’s nose and again said, “Doggy!” Using a massive paw, the hellhound gently pushed the baby’s hand off his nose and went back to sleep. But again, she grabbed his nose and giggled, “Doggy!” For a second time Doggycard removed the baby’s hand from his nose and went back to sleep. “Doggy!” said the child, this time she climbed on his back. “Doggy, go!” Integra chuckled at the baby’s antics, “Somebody likes you, Alucard.”

“Somebody is being a little pest.”

“Doggy, go!” the tot said while kicking Doggycard with her tiny heels.

Doggycard sighed, but he got up and walked around. The little girl screamed with delight, “Faster Doggy!” The hellhound obliged the toddler in going at a faster pace. When the toddler got tired of that game, she decided to play Tag. The dog and tot took turns tagging each other and chasing each other. After that, the two played Hide-n-Seek. First the toddler would hide and Doggycard would seek and then Doggycard would hide and the toddler would seek. Doggycard made sure to leave a part of his body in view, such as his tail or muzzle, so the child could find him easily. The next game they played, Integra was sure, was invented to irritate her. First, the toddler screamed, then Doggycard would bark, and the toddler would scream louder and then Doggycard would bark louder. Integra wanted to tell them to stop the noise but decided to endure it in silence.

Sometime later a woman approached Integra, she looked frightened on the verge of tears, “Excuse me, miss, have you seen a little girl? She was wearing a shirt and pink overalls…” Integra simply pointed to where Doggycard and the little girl were curled up, fast asleep. The woman was so relieved and she picked up the toddler and hugged her. She then patted Doggycard on the head, telling him what a good dog he was. As the woman walked away with her child, the toddler called out “Bye Doggy!” Integra grinned at Doggycard, “Told you, someone likes you.”

The toddler then called out, “Bye Aunty!”

“You were saying, Master?’

Integra just returned to reading.

Chapter End

**Author’s Note: Cute, wasn’t it? I’m thinking of a continuation in my _Hellsing Chronicles_ series. Don’t worry, next chapter we will get back to torturing poor Walter. See you next time.**


	7. The Shoe Chewing Nuisance

**The (Mis)Adventures of Doggycard**

**Sapphirewyren**

**The Shoe Chewing Nuisance**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

Walter walked into Integra’s office, carrying a large black plastic bag.

“Sir Integra, I have to….”

“Before we get to that, I have a problem.” Pointing to a spot on her desk, the Hellsing director said, “There’s a hole here, just like the hole in my heart when father died. Usually at this time, there’s a cup of tea, Ceylon to be exact, one sugar and lemon.” Essentially Integra was saying ‘where the bloody hell is my tea?’ The butler and the commander stared at one another for a while.

“You’re not going to bring me my tea, are you?”

“Not until we have resolved my issue.”

The two stared at each other a while longer. Just then a maid entered the office and served Integra her morning tea.

“Can we address my problem now, Sir Integra?”

“If we must.”

Walter the spilled the contents from the bag to the floor to which Integra sighed, “I just had the floor waxed.”

“These are all of my shoes, which your dog chewed up. I am on my last pair!”

“Wow, that’s a lot of shoes…”

“I have to keep buying a new pair, every time that mangy menace decides he wants to eat mine!”

“Alucard!”

The large hell hound slunk into the office, “Yes, master?”

“Why did you chew all of Walter’s shoes?”

“Because he feet taste like corn chips.”

Both Walter and Integra stared at Doggycard before Walter exploded, “That gives you no right to chew all of my shoes!”

Integra sighed; “You have a bunch of chew toys, why not chew on those?”

“They get boring after a while and there’s no corn chip flavor.”

“That’s too bad, stop chewing Walter’s shoes.”

“Yes, master.”

But Doggycard REALLY loved the flavor of corn chips and couldn’t quite stop the habit. Since he couldn’t chew Walter’s shoes and Integra’s shoes were off the table, Doggycard decided to search for someone else’s shoes that tasted like his favorite flavor. Two weeks later, several soldiers stood in Integra’s office with brown boxes in their arms.

“If this birthday gift is anything like last year’s, I’m going to be disappointed AGAIN.”

“No sir” said one of the soldiers. “This is about your dog.” And before Integra could tell them about her newly waxed floor, they spilled the contents of their boxes on the ground. Chewed up boots scattered all over the floor.

“Alucard!” Again, the hellhound found his way into the office. “What did I tell you about chewing shoes?”

“You technically said not to chew Walter’s shoes!”

“I have to pay for that because it counts as equipment! And the Round Table…wait a second, the Round Table!”

At the next Round Table meeting, the knights were greeted by Doggycard sniffing their feet.

One of the knights asked; “Sir Integra can you please tell me why your dog is sniffing our feet?”

“The same reason why you decided to grow that mustache, I don’t know.”

_Did you find what you were looking for, Alucard?_

_Yes, master. They all smell like corn chips._

Several weeks later, Integra found the knights in her office, “If one of you drop so much as a hair on my newly waxed floor, I will blow a gasket. Now, what do you want?”

“I believe that your dog has been chewing on our shoes,” said Sir Islands picking out one of his shoes out the box he carried.

“You think my dog left here and went all the way to your house to chew your shoes?”

“He is capable of doing that, he is a vampire after all.”

“You’re going to need proof of that accusation.”

“Well…we don’t have proof,” said Sir Penwood.

“Then you are wasting my time.”

When the men left, Doggycard trotted into the office with one of the knights’ shoes in his mouth. The only thing that Integra could do was laugh, at least she wouldn’t be paying for any more shoes.

“Now where is Walter with my bloody tea?”

Chapter End


	8. The Sassy Cat Crisis

THE (MIS)ADVENTURE OF DOGGYCARD

THE SASSY CAT CRISIS

Sapphirewyren

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

That night in London, it was rainy, cold and windy, which made Doggycard glad that he was inside the warm library, curled up next to his master Integra as she read a book. He loved these quiet times alone with her, separated in their thoughts, but still so close. The large hellhound gave a sigh of contentment, in response Integra smirked and gave him a scratch behind the ears before turning the page. Just then one of the maids came in and said; “Walter has something to show you, Sir.”

“Can’t it wait until the fourth of never?”

“No, Sir…it can’t.”

Integra gave an annoyed sigh as she tossed the book aside; “This had better be important.” When the director reached the living room, she saw Walter holding a box.

“Sir Integra, I found this outside.” Looking inside Integra saw a small kitten, a cinnamon brown and white ball of fluff. Integra glanced at Walter and said; “What are you waiting for? Throw it out.”

“Sir! I can’t do that!”

“We are not keeping it.”

“I’m suggesting keeping it until the owner can be found. The kitten’s wearing a collar.”

On the pink collar, the paw shaped silver tag said the word ‘Sassy’. Integra said; “You know Walter, I was in the middle of a good book, until you interrupted me with this stray ferret.”

“It’s a kitten, Sir and what was the book?”

“Employing New Butlers for Dummies.”

Doggycard was even less excited about the new guest at the manor, but Walter was ecstatic. Everyone loved the kitten, petting and playing with her. Every time Sassy did something cute, everybody cooed. The big strapping soldiers turned to goo when they saw Sassy and they gave her treats and scratches behind the ears or under the chin. But even with all the attention, Sassy wanted more. There was one person who ignored her and that was Integra, the heiress, preferred the giant hellhound. No matter what Sassy did, Integra ignored her, no cute meows or rubbing against her leg would get Integra to even glance at her.

“I have to get rid of that dumb old dog!” Sassy thought and she had the perfect plan. The next morning when Walter left the kitchen, Sassy went in and knocked a dish onto the floor. After a couple of broken dishes later, Doggycard trotted into the kitchen to see what was happening and when he saw what Sassy was doing, he said: “Stop doing that!” The kitten looked up at him and said; “Stop doing what? This?” and she knocked over another pile of dishes. The loud clatter bought the butler running back to the kitchen. There he saw the dog in the midst of broken plates. “Alucard! What the devil are you doing?!”

“It was the cat, she…”

“Are you trying to blame this mess on Sassy?!” Where Walter got the strength to drag the hellhound to Integra’s office no one would know. “Sir! I found your mongrel breaking dishes in the kitchen!” Integra glanced up from her paperwork and in a bored voice said, “That’s nice.” Walter blew a gasket, “THAT’S NICE?! What does that mean? Those dishes are very expensive!”

“Then buy less expensive dishes.”

“You know he tried to blame Sassy.”

“Sassy? Who the hell is that? Didn’t know you were into strippers, Walter.”

“Sassy is the stray kitten that was found, not a stripper.”

“That thing is still here?”

Sassy listened from outside the office, while the two humans argued, did Integra really just call her a ‘thing’? What was so good about a big, smelly dog? She needed to up her game. For the rest of the week Sassy found ways to get Doggycard in trouble, from turning on all the faucets in the house, to shredding curtains, even knocking over lit candles and lighting the dining room on fire. And Walter was beyond angry, he was artery popping pissed. He demanded that Integra seal up the hellhound to which she answered, “Have you ever stopped to think that it probably was that cat causing all this mess?”

“Sir, why would she do that?”

“Why would Alucard?”

“You spoil that mutt too much. For some reason, you are blind to his antics.”

Integra sighed and then led Walter to the security room where she played back security footage of the previous days. The videos showed that Sassy was the real culprit behind the misdeeds.

“It’s been over a week and no one’s come to claim her, I say we throw her out.”

“You can’t do that, Sir.”

You know Walter, you’re right.”

Walter blinked, did he hear her right? Or was it some kind of joke?”

“Since that damnable beast spent the last couple of days framing Alucard for things he did not do, I think it would be best if he decides what happens to the kitten.”

This was worse than what Walter had thought. One of the maids bought the kitten into the living room, where Integra asked; “So Alucard, what do you think should happen to this cat?”

“Sir, I don’t think this is necessary…”

“I can do anything?” Doggycard asked. Integra nodded; “Anything.”

“Well she looks like she would make a good snack”. The director dropped the kitten in front of Doggycard and said; “Enjoy your meal.” And Doggycard did, the only thing that was left of Sassy, was her pink collar, which Integra tossed into the fireplace. “Walter, the next time you decide to bring a cat into my house, remember this is a ‘dog only’ household.”

“Yes Sir”

Chapter End

**Author’s Notes: I prefer dogs to cats, h0w did you know?**


	9. The Mailman Madness

THE (MIS)ADVENTURES OF DOGGYCARD

The Mailman Madness

DianaPrince31

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Here we go with another Doggycard adventure, yay!**

Franklin Bailey always considered himself a dedicated postal worker; professional, hardworking and kind. Whenever he delivered a package, he took care never to drop it or handle it roughly. He was courteous to the residents and always had a compliment or a kind word for everyone. Even dogs liked him, well almost every dog did. On his route, the poor mailman had to deliver mail to the one and only Hellsing Manor. The dog that lived there was crazy! Instead of giving the mail to the guards and driving off, Franklin had to drop it in the mailbox, which meant he had to go through the gates. Every time Franklin went through the gates, that damn dog would chase him around, scattering the mail and causing him to trip and fall. And if Franklin didn’t fall on his own, Doggycard would pounce on him, knocking him to the ground and to add insult to injury, he would either slobber on the mailman’s face or sit on it, until the butler would drag the dog off. It was unbearable; he had even tried to talk to the owner of the house, but never once was able to see her. And today was no different or rather it was. After the ritual of being chased over the expansive front yard, Franklin saw the owner of the house for the first time in five years he had been delivering mail to the manor.

“Ms. Hellsing, I have been meaning to talk to you about your dog.”

The glare Integra gave the mailman could freeze liquid nitrogen; “It is Sir Hellsing, not ‘miss’, do I look like a child to you?”

The mailman didn’t have a chance to answer before the large black dog jumped on him again.

“Alucard, what are you doing?”

_I am just playing with the mailman, Master._

“Sir Hellsing, please call your dog off!” pleaded Franklin.

However Integra ignored him and proceeded to light a cigar instead. Doggycard then got a hold of the satchel full of letters and started chewing on it.

“Give that back!” yelled the mailman. Walter was able to get the bag away from Doggycard and get a grip on the dog; while the mailman turned to leave, the butler chided; “Sir, you really should learn to control this animal better.” While Walter was talking, his grip on the dog had slackened and Doggycard charged at the postal worker and bit a chunk out of his pants and underwear, leaving his bottom exposed. It did not help that Integra actually burst out in laughter along with some soldiers who had been passing by. Franklin, on the other hand just lost it; “YOU KNOW WHAT? I QUIT! I DON’T DESERVE THIS! I HAVE BEEN WORKING AT THIS BLOODY JOB FOR 15 YEARS!” He then began to take off his clothes; “YOU DAMN DOG, YOU LIKE MY CLOTHES, HERE, YOU CAN HAVE THEM! I DON’T WANT THEM!” Pointing to Integra, the mailman ranted; “YOU HAVE THE WORSE BEHAVED DOG EVER! I’M GLAD THAT I WILL NEVER DELIVER MAIL TO YOU, SIR BITCH!” The man then ran out the gate and down the street stark naked while yelling obscenities and gibberish.

“Well, I saw more than I wanted” sighed Integra. “Walter, make a report to the postmaster that one of his employees was most rude and unprofessional.”

Walter couldn’t help but seethe, “That poor man was right, that dog of yours is undisciplined!”

“So? That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have to see his naked body. If you haven’t noticed he stripped off his clothes, which was not very rational. If he had a problem with my dog, he should have addressed it in a mature manner.”

“You know, Sir, sometimes I feel like doing the same thing.”

Integra sighed, “Fine, I’ll call the postmaster myself, so keep your clothes on, Walter or I’ll have you committed. Come Alucard, I’m surrounded by crazy people.”

A couple days later, Walter learned of the ‘report’ that Integra sent the postmaster; of course Franklin was relieved of his job. Although Walter told Integra this, she showed no remorse or attempt to try and discipline Doggycard. The only thing she said as she scratched the dog behind his floppy ears was; “Let’s hope the next mailman isn’t afraid of dogs.”

Doggycard added; _I hope the one is as fun as the last one._

Chapter End


	10. The Squeaky Toy Perplexity

The (Mis)Adventures of Doggycard

DianaPrince31

**Ch. 10: The Squeaky Toy Perplexity**

**Disclaimer: I do not Hellsing**

SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.

“Alucard stop doing that!”

SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.

“I said stop dong that!”

SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.

“What did I just tell you!?”

SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.

Walter grabbed the toy out Doggycard’s mouth and threw it in the garbage disposal. The hound whimpered, “That wasn’t nice.”

“That’s what you get for being an annoying bloody turd, now leave me alone I have things to do.”

Doggycard couldn’t understand why the butler didn’t like squeaky toys, everyone loved squeaky toys. Later on that day, Doggycard couldn’t find a single squeaky toy. No matter where he looked, there were none to be found. When he tried to ask Walter, the cranky old man threw toilet plunger at him, smacking him on the nose. Doggycard slunk into Integra’s office and plopped on the couch.

“What’s the matter, Alucard?”

“I can’t find any of my squeaky toys and Walter threw a plunger at me.”

“WALTER!!!”

The butler walked into the office with a scowl on his face, “Yes Sir?”

“Well someone is on his period. Where are Alucard’s toys?”

“He knows where they are.”

“Ok, let me rephrase that, where are Alucard’s squeaky toys?”

Walter looked really uncomfortable “Well..ah…those were worn out, so I had to throw them away…”

“Get the car, Walter, we need to replace those ‘worn out’ toys.” Walter stared at his boss as if she had grown an extra arm; “But he had enough toys, he doesn’t need more.”

“I don’t want to have to repeat myself, Walter.” The butler left grumbling something along the lines of Alucard being a spoiled mutt.

“Don’t mutter Walter, it makes you look senile.”

That night Alucard was surrounded by hundreds of new squeaky toys. He was practically in squeaky heaven as some squeaks were different from others. And Walter was in squeaky hell.

“How can you bear the sound of those infernal toys, Sir?”

Integra took out a pair of earplugs and smirked, “I have my ways.”

SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK!


	11. The Howling Habit

**THE (MIS)ADVENTURES OF DOGGYCARD** **  
****THE HOWLING HABIT** **  
****DianaPrince31**

  
**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

  
**Author’s Notes: I am sorry for not uploading as much, real life stuff like a new job, the flu and UTI got in the way. But also working on a One Piece fanfic, an original novel and Hellsing Law and Order, so you have those to look forward to. OK on with the story.**

  
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
There is was again, it had been going on for almost two hours now and Walter was getting tired of it. He knew that Doggycard was doing this on purpose, just to annoy him. With all this noise it would be a miracle if Walter got any sleep at all. The next morning an extremely tired Walter stumbled about his duties and nearly spilled hot tea on Integra, who also noticed how disheveled the normally tidy butler was.  
“Walter, is there something wrong?”  
“Yes, but it’s not like you’re going to do anything” muttered Walter under his breath.  
“You're going to have to speak louder, Walter, muttering makes you look senile.”  
“FINE! IT’S YOUR DAMN BLOODY DOG!! HE HOWLED ALL BLOODY NIGHT, I DIDN’T GET AN OUNCE OF SLEEP!”  
“Well, that was unnecessary, yelling just makes you look demented, Walter”.  
Walter just slammed the cup of tea on the desk and stormed out.  
“A better part of me is telling me not to drink that”.  
Walter’s day did not get better, with him trying to keep up with Doggycard’s antics such as knocking things over or flooding the toilet with his toys. This made Walter even more upset and the fact that Integra seemed to overlook her dog’s misbehavior irked the butler even more. Walter decided that he would have a talk with her, but first he needed to get some sleep. But that night it was the same thing, Doggycard howled.  
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOO!  
“Sir, you must do something about that damn mutt!” exclaimed Walter. “It’s not only me who is suffering! One soldier nearly shot his own foot off!”  
Integra sighed; “Fine, if it will get you to stop whining, I’ll talk to Alucard”.  
When Doggycard entered the office, Integra said; “Alucard, you’re going to have to stop this incessant howling or Walter won’t stop bitching”.  
“But it’s in my nature to howl, Master”.  
“And it’s in my nature to not hear the whining of my butler, so go howl somewhere else, Sir Islands has a lovely garden”.

  
**Sir Islands’ Mansion**

  
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOO !  
“What the devil is that?!”

  
**Hellsing Manor**

  
The next morning Integra noted the good mood that Walter was in after a good nights rest and smiled at Doggycard.  
“You were right Master, Sir Islands does have a nice garden, and since he was so kind to let me use it, I left a thank you gift on his doorstep”.  
Integra spat out her tea in a fit of laughter.  
  
**Chapter End  
Author’s Notes: Hey guys, I’m still alive and writing. Hope you enjoyed and check out my other fics.**  
  



	12. The Gift Wrapping DIspute

**THE (MIS) ADVENTURES OF DOGGYCARD**

**DIANAPRINCE31**

** The Gift Wrapped Dispute **

****

** Disclaimer ** **: I don't own Hellsing**

**Author's Note: This story is dedicated to an awesome friend on Tumblr _simish-tem aka Doodlederp_**

Doggycard dropped the mangled dead squirrel at Walter's feet and looked up at him with a doggy grin.

"What is that?" asked the butler, not trying to hide his impatience.

"It is a gift for you. I am trying to be a good dog from now on" replied Doggycard.

"That's disgusting. And I hardly doubt that one dead rodent will make up for all the horrors you have put me through, Alucard,” and with that Walter walked away. Doggycard looked at the dead squirrel sadly and then he got a perfect idea, maybe one dead squirrel wouldn’t make up for everything, but maybe more would- a lot more. So Alucard proceeded to catch every squirrel, bird, raccoon, etc. and then put them in Walter’s room. That evening Doggycard was satisfied that he had done a good thing. Walter would forgive him for sure. Alas, that was not to be. Walter stormed into the living room where Integra was reading with Doggycard curled up at her feet, “Sir Integra, I think you need to see this” the butler said through gritted teeth. The heiress made no attempt to move, in fact, it was as if she hadn’t heard him at all. So Walter said again “Sir Integra, there is something you should see.” Integra just knocked some ash off of the cigar she was smoking and turned a page. “Why do you insist on ignoring me, Sir,?” said Walter his temper rising.

“I am not ignoring you, Walter, I am reading” replied Integra. Then Walter did something he never thought he would do, he snatched the book out of Integra’s hand and tossed it across the room, “There you have finished reading.” The knight looked up at him with shock and anger, “That was rather rude, Walter.”

“You ignoring me was rude.”

“I said I was reading, are you deaf?”

“And I said that there was something that you should see, Sir.”

Integra sighed, ”Fine, let’s go and see what was so important that the condition of my great- grandfather’s journal is deemed irrelevant.” Walter led her to his room and opened the door, Integra gagged at the strong stench that emanated from the room. “What the hell is that smell? How did you let your room get this bad, Walter?”

“It was not me, Sir. It was that damned dog of yours!”

On Walter’s bed, there was all manner of dead animals even a deer.

“What is the meaning of this, Alucard?” said Integra trying not to vomit.

“These are my gifts for him, to say I’m sorry for all the things I did.”

“I do not want these ‘gifts’! They are disgusting!”

Doggycard whimpered sadly and Integra said, “Walter, you should show more gratitude.”

“Sir, you’re not taking this seriously.”

“Then get rid of them if you must. Some people are just so ungrateful.”

“Would you like a gift, master?” asked Doggycard.

“If I see as much a single dead bird, I will throw you into the nearest pound.”

Walter chuckled until Integra said, “I was not talking to Alucard.” When they returned to the living room, Doggycard picked up the book that Walter, gave it to Integra and curling up into a ball,and fell asleep. Walter could only scowl in the background as Integra returned to reading.

Chapter End

Comments and Reviews are appreciated! See ya in the next chapter :)


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